basement return party
MVS holiday gala party
so i look through the guest list of this mvs thing, and i see a few people i remember. people from my highschool. people from my grade. of course mr squiers is on there. he was a teacher. he did our english class. he andmr reid did a good job i thought. really out there. and inspired creativety.
then there's mrs kretzler. i mean i told her i didn't like some of the stuff i faced there. i didn't really get much of a response back. looking back she always seemed kinda aloof. her class was enjoyable. but maybe not necessarily 'cause of her. i used to just do whatever i wanted. and i guess her class was the time to do it.
then there's dan gorsky, he was lauren's brother. he was on the soccer team too. i'd eat lunch with this kid sometimes. basically everybody in the grade below me was my age. i was just like a year ahead. but one thing i didn't like about the people in that grade was the fakeness. it was really kinda like contagious. alot of those kids were twofaced.
bethany ward was jasons sister. i didn't really run into her too often.
arthur zeyda was in my grade. the guy was russian and looked like his did. he also had the notoriety of dating lauren a bit. he played tennis. and he would sit with us alot. he came with us to japan. and he actually handed me the massive attack cd. that cd got me through lots of nights in college. or poisoned my mind depending on how you looked at it. but this was an often seen face in school. last i heard he was interning with fred's dad's company.
vin romeo. my senior year english teacher. i guess you could say all my english teachers were notorious. but romeo was the one that did the beowulf stuff. i guess back then i was in kirby's back pocket. the year after i would follow him to OSU. i always thought romeo did a great job of the teaching of that old english stuff. i guess i always tried to impress the guy. with my senior recidal i had the standing ovation. but he didn't see it. so i was kinda disappointed. he was the tennis coach. and he was bald with a goatee. but the guy loved his beowulf. and i guess you could say fed into my tolkienesque interest.
lauren pond was one of my sister's friends. five grades below me i think. we contacted each other once or twice on facebook. she had gone to texas. other than that not much to say about her.
alisha gandhi was in the school when i was there. but we didn't really talk much. but i definately saw her around school. it was a small school after all. just 200 of us in the highschool. plus she was indian. so that kinda made it easy for me to notice her.
anna kersh was katie's sister. i went to their house once or twice. but those were always flukes. ankush was a big friend of theirs. i dont think i ever would've gone there, if like... it wasn't for other people. she just simply wouldn't have invited me.
kristin mann was in my grade. she invited me to one of her birthdays. it was there that i saw her friends do a weezer cover. i had never heard of them before. so i guess you could say that was a perennial step forward. she was in interesting person. she was the daughter of a lawyer. his commercials would come on our television from time to time. she always seemed kinda arty. the last i heard she was in los angeles. her father would do things like go to concerts with her. her other gift to me was that of radiohead. in speach class she did a presentation of radiohead. she basically showed off one of their dvd's and talked about it. i was immediately amazed by their stuff. that was kinda a big day for me. that was another one that got me through alot of nights. and that bands music has influenced mine alot. or you could say its profoundly warped me. either way it was just what i needed.
marlese walters was the daughter of my dad's coworker. basically she was interesting. i guess you could say a playfriend of my sister's. she was at alot of dinner's i went to. the doctors would socialize together. and the children of those doctors would get to know each other. otherwise didn't really run into her much. but we had lots of conversations. she seemed like an interestnig enough person. her mother and father were ex military. they used to get us on base all the time. which was cool. and her mom was great at video games. which was also cool.
phil blum was another soccer kid. younger than me. but we bonded over soccer. in the sense that you would see him around. and he was on your team. so you'd have to know him at least in that sense. but otherwise we didn't really talk. that's all i can really think of that kid.
julia german was another doctor's kid, and she was a friend of my sisters. apparently they don't hang out anymore. but i'd see her alot when my sister and her would hang out.
shannon holland was the sister of a guy called andy i think. he was in my grade. i didnt see her around much. she wasn't really in my circle. strange there were circles in a 200 person school. but i guess even in the smallest of places they have to enforce social hierarchy.
andrew arnett was on the soccer team. seemed like a real aggressive kid. we didn't really hang out other than that.
aubrey smith was a girl i used to ride the bus home with. because of that we automatically talked alot. it was interesting. we didn't get along down the road. she dated mike palmer for a few years. but she was interesting company on the bus ride home.
carianna suiter was the daugther of mr suiter, who definately my favorite teacher at the school. the guy taught me steven hawkings stuff. plus he was just a good conversationalist. and she was one way to get ahold of him.
alan alex adrian was a kid in a grade below mine. i dont remember much about him besides the fact that he was always really scrawny. and the last i heard he was in new york trying film. interesting stuff.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
house reminding me of lauren
house reminding me of lauren & me. hookup during rough times (both shattered), her with a bf (like the husband) and her cuttin me loose without a word right after.
___
but uh, yesterday, i was telling you about how house reminded me about lauren. uh, do you wanna hear why? well basically, do you remember how, well first remember the episode. house is in the ward, getting better, some girl visiting another starts seeing him. she's married with kids but she kisses house. and the pressure of her friend being sick made her have a breakdown. so while she had a breakdown house to her over to his place and slept with her. and apparently he cried when they were doing it. then later when he makes the girl better he hears his girl is leaving. but not from her but from his doctor. so he gets a day pass goes to her house and talks to her face to face. and she basically kindof was like, go away. and so house comes back and is like i don't know what to do, tells his doctor. and by addressing his problem and opening up to his doctor, he actually bought his way out of the place with that. 'cause his problem was he'd go to vicodin instead of talking
so, this is similar to the lauren situation in a couple ways. so basically like, the whole way that lauren and i got to know each other. basically you could say that robs house was the ward. and all of us there were kinda fucked up. we were just i guess you could say trying to make ourselves feel better without doctors. and so it was there that i basically met damien's girlfriend lauren. and so we kept on seeing each other and we liked each other. but the thing was that she had a boyfriend. so that kindof had a line that kept anything frmo happening. but... when vivek died, then like lauren showed up at my house, and she was just like completely distraught. and like... and like basically so was I. so we consoled each other and basically we ended up sleeping with each other. now the whole deal with like houses's girl moving. well the same thing happened to me with lauren. 'cause she moved in with damien and she kinda left me at the doorstep just like that girl did with house.
so for me that whole episode was like really reminicent of like what happened between me and lauren. so what do you think about all that? like is there anything new that you've learned about it? is there a new aspect of it that you now understand better? does it make a little more sense or shed a little more light?
thats pretty spot on. but i dont think youve ever thought about it like that before have you?
like when.
i wouldnt say taking out the emotion. maybe filling the hole with a distraction. like supporting each other in some way. when people are completely shaken by something powerful, they need something to ground them. thats what they want because it feels terrible not to have that. like a couple days ago when i realized all that shit about my past. and you basically told me about some of the shit you did in boston and i was listening to sigur ros. the same way i did that to make me feel better there, thats how lauren and i did it when vivek died. now the way we solved it wasnt the best thing in the world because it didnt really solve anything. but with you and me you know i sat down and thought about stuff alot before you made me feel better. and thats the important thing youve always gotta take the time to thikn about stuff. so you cuold say im becoming a little bit more functional and stuff.
but there was another aspect to the whole thing. basically like - how house was going to that treatment place in the first place. if something bothers you you've gotta get it off your chest and talk about it. that's what i've been doing for the past couple years and it's been helping me out. and something ellen just said kinda struck me too. if you keep things bottled up inside, you don't know what you've got hidden away. so when i opened myself up and talked about my past and felt that fear, that was a surprise. but thats the thing youve gotta talk about those things that bother you. basically its like in the past alot of fucked up things happened and in order to get over them we've gotta talk about them. as we talk about them we express those emotions and they become things we can deal with. but the most dangerous thing is an emotion you havent expressed and dont even know is inside you. thats kinda something ive learned this week. but what do you think?
i think that's clearly what we all need to do. i mean like... given this freedom away from my parents, and like not being around columbus either, there's alot of possibility that i get to be able to do some good. i dont understand why my dad keeps calling to be honest he should be facebooking me.
_________________________
___
but uh, yesterday, i was telling you about how house reminded me about lauren. uh, do you wanna hear why? well basically, do you remember how, well first remember the episode. house is in the ward, getting better, some girl visiting another starts seeing him. she's married with kids but she kisses house. and the pressure of her friend being sick made her have a breakdown. so while she had a breakdown house to her over to his place and slept with her. and apparently he cried when they were doing it. then later when he makes the girl better he hears his girl is leaving. but not from her but from his doctor. so he gets a day pass goes to her house and talks to her face to face. and she basically kindof was like, go away. and so house comes back and is like i don't know what to do, tells his doctor. and by addressing his problem and opening up to his doctor, he actually bought his way out of the place with that. 'cause his problem was he'd go to vicodin instead of talking
so, this is similar to the lauren situation in a couple ways. so basically like, the whole way that lauren and i got to know each other. basically you could say that robs house was the ward. and all of us there were kinda fucked up. we were just i guess you could say trying to make ourselves feel better without doctors. and so it was there that i basically met damien's girlfriend lauren. and so we kept on seeing each other and we liked each other. but the thing was that she had a boyfriend. so that kindof had a line that kept anything frmo happening. but... when vivek died, then like lauren showed up at my house, and she was just like completely distraught. and like... and like basically so was I. so we consoled each other and basically we ended up sleeping with each other. now the whole deal with like houses's girl moving. well the same thing happened to me with lauren. 'cause she moved in with damien and she kinda left me at the doorstep just like that girl did with house.
so for me that whole episode was like really reminicent of like what happened between me and lauren. so what do you think about all that? like is there anything new that you've learned about it? is there a new aspect of it that you now understand better? does it make a little more sense or shed a little more light?
"'cause the both of you lost a friend the both of you were down so you went to each other."
thats pretty spot on. but i dont think youve ever thought about it like that before have you?
"yeah i have."
like when.
"i mean just about every time you takl about the vivek thing. vivek dies lauren comes over and you sleep with her. and to me two people they feel bad their friend is gone they go to each other and just take out the emotion by sleeping with each other."
i wouldnt say taking out the emotion. maybe filling the hole with a distraction. like supporting each other in some way. when people are completely shaken by something powerful, they need something to ground them. thats what they want because it feels terrible not to have that. like a couple days ago when i realized all that shit about my past. and you basically told me about some of the shit you did in boston and i was listening to sigur ros. the same way i did that to make me feel better there, thats how lauren and i did it when vivek died. now the way we solved it wasnt the best thing in the world because it didnt really solve anything. but with you and me you know i sat down and thought about stuff alot before you made me feel better. and thats the important thing youve always gotta take the time to thikn about stuff. so you cuold say im becoming a little bit more functional and stuff.
but there was another aspect to the whole thing. basically like - how house was going to that treatment place in the first place. if something bothers you you've gotta get it off your chest and talk about it. that's what i've been doing for the past couple years and it's been helping me out. and something ellen just said kinda struck me too. if you keep things bottled up inside, you don't know what you've got hidden away. so when i opened myself up and talked about my past and felt that fear, that was a surprise. but thats the thing youve gotta talk about those things that bother you. basically its like in the past alot of fucked up things happened and in order to get over them we've gotta talk about them. as we talk about them we express those emotions and they become things we can deal with. but the most dangerous thing is an emotion you havent expressed and dont even know is inside you. thats kinda something ive learned this week. but what do you think?
"i like the whole thing that ellen said. 'cause it makes alot of sense. the quote that you made. [house] well obviously its a good thing for him because he's going to people and telling stuff about him instead of keeping it to himself."
i think that's clearly what we all need to do. i mean like... given this freedom away from my parents, and like not being around columbus either, there's alot of possibility that i get to be able to do some good. i dont understand why my dad keeps calling to be honest he should be facebooking me.
_________________________
Monday, September 21, 2009
7 - ohio-post college
chapter seven.
so you can say this whole period begins with the advent of kirby's decision and abrupt departure from columbus to florida for film school. the year... 2005, and it was summer. thats when i first met up with damien rob and lauren. they were my second band that i found looking through the net. i met vivek before kirby shipped off, and the three of us all hung out for that final summer. then kirby was out. after he moved, and i think he stayed the summer, i moved into a new house, out on frambes. thats where i spent a good portion of my time, til vivek passed away in april of 06. but rob got ahold of me through the net and i met damien there at his place. lauren showed up at some point. i played with them for about three months, and rob dropped out. then damien and i continued for awhile longer. but by around new years it was all over.
i recently met up with damien rob and their band playing with jason rory and their band and in the crowd stood lauren and myself with anita. and it was interesting. jason and rory were bandmates of viveks from a band called asthmo and it was cool. they were the cd that vivek handed me when i met him in '05. basically he handed me cakewalk and i used that for all my recordings after. then he took me to the studio and that was my first experience withthat. i also had my first open mic, and my first show with a band in front of a crowd. lots of firsts. also vivek got me into the local music scene moreso than anyone else. he was the first to show me that as well. and vivek was also a general all round cool dude too. so that was always a plus for the kid. and as i was explorin the music of the town as per viveks uirgings i ran into lauren damien and rob and formed a band of my own snowdens silent canvas.
jason was the guy that vivek used to collaborate with. the two of them wrote all the songs as i understood it. when vivek passed jason reformed his band and took rory with him. they formed nuclear children, and ive since been to many of their shows. jasons a cool guy and we talk often about vivek. he's got a record label co-op thing going called champions of the arts. it never makes much money but he seems to be building a community of people. but he's still down about the death, and i used to be as well, until i just came to the realization that it was noones fault but viveks what happened. in the sense that we cant call ourselves responsible for viveks actions. and back then we dont really know how to help people with addiction and the like, nor did we really understand the dangers behind the drugs we were taking. so we were all colelctively naive and just generally young. vivek was wise too though and i believe he chose his friends wisely in that they wouldnt bother him with what he did.
but yeah i had a band of my own snowden's silent canvas. and it didn't last very long but it was fun none the less. damien rob and me. and then we had lauren there so often she must have basically been considered a fourth. we recorded i still have many of them, and lauren and i had a fling. so it brought me not only a band, but friends, and a girlfriend. but things fell apart after about six months, rob lost interest after about three, damien and lauren about six. damien and lauren had started living with each other and three became too many.
after vivek died, which was a shock to us all, i moved soon home to dayton. my lease ended that summer anyhow. but i think i might've come home early. but i was miserabl eand without direction, i'd followed people everywhere and i didnt know what it was to just kinda chart my own map. i kinda picked that up more at home. for about three years i had many breakthrough conversations with my folks with much emotion expressed about the past, our immigrations, the lack of them at home, and the problems i faced in the town. we came to better understandings, so much so that they dont bother me with my girlfriend downstairs in the basement of their house today. i tried going back to columbus in 2008 fall but i dropped out soon after enrolling at osu. i met anita about a month later in the music scene, and we've been together for about a year now. im thinking of trying agani this year with a new town, boston this time, and with three community colleges to pick from.
i was very creatively active during this period writing the bulk of my songs to date as well as many pages of text. beyodn that many photographs and... many performances wracked up to date as well. a fourth band has been together about a year my longest creative partnership with my girlfriend. ive done two studio bouts once with vivek another of my own making three years after. many of these guys knew each other, kirby had met vivek and damien rob and lauren, and lauren knew vivek and had of course met kirby, as rob and damien had also met vivek.
while i was home i didnt write much, most of my writing took place whilst i was in columbus while working with vivek and / or damien and rob. but years later beginning around 2007 i began recording again and have steadily written new material monthly since about new years 08. i often brag about having written over 2,000 songs, and its true, i have, over 2,000 unique recordings, although not all have words, but im sure im geting close to that number as a true count of songs with words recorded on pc's all unique.
so you can say this whole period begins with the advent of kirby's decision and abrupt departure from columbus to florida for film school. the year... 2005, and it was summer. thats when i first met up with damien rob and lauren. they were my second band that i found looking through the net. i met vivek before kirby shipped off, and the three of us all hung out for that final summer. then kirby was out. after he moved, and i think he stayed the summer, i moved into a new house, out on frambes. thats where i spent a good portion of my time, til vivek passed away in april of 06. but rob got ahold of me through the net and i met damien there at his place. lauren showed up at some point. i played with them for about three months, and rob dropped out. then damien and i continued for awhile longer. but by around new years it was all over.
i recently met up with damien rob and their band playing with jason rory and their band and in the crowd stood lauren and myself with anita. and it was interesting. jason and rory were bandmates of viveks from a band called asthmo and it was cool. they were the cd that vivek handed me when i met him in '05. basically he handed me cakewalk and i used that for all my recordings after. then he took me to the studio and that was my first experience withthat. i also had my first open mic, and my first show with a band in front of a crowd. lots of firsts. also vivek got me into the local music scene moreso than anyone else. he was the first to show me that as well. and vivek was also a general all round cool dude too. so that was always a plus for the kid. and as i was explorin the music of the town as per viveks uirgings i ran into lauren damien and rob and formed a band of my own snowdens silent canvas.
jason was the guy that vivek used to collaborate with. the two of them wrote all the songs as i understood it. when vivek passed jason reformed his band and took rory with him. they formed nuclear children, and ive since been to many of their shows. jasons a cool guy and we talk often about vivek. he's got a record label co-op thing going called champions of the arts. it never makes much money but he seems to be building a community of people. but he's still down about the death, and i used to be as well, until i just came to the realization that it was noones fault but viveks what happened. in the sense that we cant call ourselves responsible for viveks actions. and back then we dont really know how to help people with addiction and the like, nor did we really understand the dangers behind the drugs we were taking. so we were all colelctively naive and just generally young. vivek was wise too though and i believe he chose his friends wisely in that they wouldnt bother him with what he did.
but yeah i had a band of my own snowden's silent canvas. and it didn't last very long but it was fun none the less. damien rob and me. and then we had lauren there so often she must have basically been considered a fourth. we recorded i still have many of them, and lauren and i had a fling. so it brought me not only a band, but friends, and a girlfriend. but things fell apart after about six months, rob lost interest after about three, damien and lauren about six. damien and lauren had started living with each other and three became too many.
after vivek died, which was a shock to us all, i moved soon home to dayton. my lease ended that summer anyhow. but i think i might've come home early. but i was miserabl eand without direction, i'd followed people everywhere and i didnt know what it was to just kinda chart my own map. i kinda picked that up more at home. for about three years i had many breakthrough conversations with my folks with much emotion expressed about the past, our immigrations, the lack of them at home, and the problems i faced in the town. we came to better understandings, so much so that they dont bother me with my girlfriend downstairs in the basement of their house today. i tried going back to columbus in 2008 fall but i dropped out soon after enrolling at osu. i met anita about a month later in the music scene, and we've been together for about a year now. im thinking of trying agani this year with a new town, boston this time, and with three community colleges to pick from.
i was very creatively active during this period writing the bulk of my songs to date as well as many pages of text. beyodn that many photographs and... many performances wracked up to date as well. a fourth band has been together about a year my longest creative partnership with my girlfriend. ive done two studio bouts once with vivek another of my own making three years after. many of these guys knew each other, kirby had met vivek and damien rob and lauren, and lauren knew vivek and had of course met kirby, as rob and damien had also met vivek.
while i was home i didnt write much, most of my writing took place whilst i was in columbus while working with vivek and / or damien and rob. but years later beginning around 2007 i began recording again and have steadily written new material monthly since about new years 08. i often brag about having written over 2,000 songs, and its true, i have, over 2,000 unique recordings, although not all have words, but im sure im geting close to that number as a true count of songs with words recorded on pc's all unique.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
moments of greatness
lately ive been talking about moments of greatness, so i figured i'd go down the list.
being on the stage in highschool as a senior playing hit me baby one more itme in front of a crowd and getting a standing ovation.
so a little bit more info on that one. basically i was out there, playing my song, i'd had my acoustic, and basically it was a senior thing in the school the miami valley school more or less near oakwood in the dayton area in central ohio in the midwest of the united states. i was at the school from fall 98 to summer 03, when i finished my secondary education at the age of seventeen. so i was kinda like into this moment because basically i was not like used to getting an applause at all. i think it was the first time anyone from my senior class really gave me a hand at anything. and i guess they saw i had something i really enjoyed and i was really glad to get the applause. i was nervous, i could hardly see the people with the lights in my eyes. i was nervous. but i was super energized when everyone started to sing along with me. i had a great time and i had adrenaline shooting through me by the time i made it to the finish. i was brilliantly happy.
another key moment was the show that vivek and i did in the shisha lounge with he and i for his friends going away party
so basically its become wewll known in columbus ohio usa that at the well known hookah spot that live shows just arent allowed anymore. but this was years before, when the shows were allowed, and the place was hipper. i was there because of vivek, and he was there because of his friend. so it was weird for us to get into this place. but we managed it, and it was amazing. the place was packed and i just went through many of my songs, alot of these guys had never seen me but they were salivating for music. and basically so many folks joined in we had like maybe six or so people out there playing with us. it was amazing.
being on the stage in highschool as a senior playing hit me baby one more itme in front of a crowd and getting a standing ovation.
so a little bit more info on that one. basically i was out there, playing my song, i'd had my acoustic, and basically it was a senior thing in the school the miami valley school more or less near oakwood in the dayton area in central ohio in the midwest of the united states. i was at the school from fall 98 to summer 03, when i finished my secondary education at the age of seventeen. so i was kinda like into this moment because basically i was not like used to getting an applause at all. i think it was the first time anyone from my senior class really gave me a hand at anything. and i guess they saw i had something i really enjoyed and i was really glad to get the applause. i was nervous, i could hardly see the people with the lights in my eyes. i was nervous. but i was super energized when everyone started to sing along with me. i had a great time and i had adrenaline shooting through me by the time i made it to the finish. i was brilliantly happy.
another key moment was the show that vivek and i did in the shisha lounge with he and i for his friends going away party
so basically its become wewll known in columbus ohio usa that at the well known hookah spot that live shows just arent allowed anymore. but this was years before, when the shows were allowed, and the place was hipper. i was there because of vivek, and he was there because of his friend. so it was weird for us to get into this place. but we managed it, and it was amazing. the place was packed and i just went through many of my songs, alot of these guys had never seen me but they were salivating for music. and basically so many folks joined in we had like maybe six or so people out there playing with us. it was amazing.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
frmo strum and sung
untitled by interpol
this is the sound of my highschool years wakling in the halls. hair kinda pulled under thep utka, clothes tight to the skin, and looking all around kinda paranoid and spazzed out. walking around from class to class but feeling super withdrawn, with the putka drawn tight against the skin of my head. just walking around the school and just keeping to myself.
its the sound of sitting in my apartment with like, not a whole hell of alot going on, whilst i was like sitting in frames, and perhaps with a beer, maybe a 24 pack, and just sitting listening to music, maybe staring into a computer screen, and maybe like, just complately bored. and there just wasnt a whole hell of alot going on at the time. but yeah. like there just didnt seem to be a whole hell of alot going for me back then. skinny, getting girls, but hating myself, and writing great music, but having it all be more or less consumed with dark feelings and thoughts. so i kept myself alone, as few people dared to brave the world i inhabited.
its like the sound of music playing in the dorm room over in Morrison tower in Ohio State whilst i was a Freshman, sitting by myself because those other kids moved away, couldnt stand me, so they said, and so i was alone, in my room, with my thoughts. I'd just cut my hair and my family was just not at all pleased, I was basically alone, and feeling terribly depressed. Like I wasn't in england, I had a shitty time @ school, and i beleived half of what i was told, and the other half i just threw away and had nothing left. just me alone in my room watching... donnie darko.
and then the walks around town and stuff while we tried to find a place to go to. jackets tight to the skin, szipped up, with the snow perhaps falling, cold night air, breathing out and watching fog, all in the pursuit of like alcohol. and girls. and just hating myself. its those sorts of thoughts that i remember back when i was younger than these songs seem to kinda bring me back to. walking around in scotland, enjoying it but feeling a ltitle out of place. noone really kinda got me there. and the air cold and the jacket close to my skin, rushing to get home with the beer in hand, looking forward to watching the television.
sitting by the window in harrison by myself watching the skyscrapers and stuff, it was the music of my life then, back when i thought i was just a piece of shit. i cant believe i did, but there were prolonged periods where i just thought i was a piece of shit. fter all why not. its what my aunts told me. i had no functional friends. from jacob, to allen, to kirby, to vivek, all these substance using and dependant folks, who had no futures and despair in their eyes, but vehemently defended their right to be so. walking around, romanticizing the lifestyle, hedonism in pursuit of artistic moments and people, but too shy to introduce yourself.
living alone in neil out in the city going out to bars and meeting people, biker chicks and all sorts getting attracted to me, my dark demeanor, and other things. they felt like hey, perhaps he's down and out, maybe i should toy with him. but they were afraid to get too close. instinct told them to back away. attracted to the bad boy, but then like... brushed aside. curiosity brought them to me, but by the end of the night they were history. i was after all in the grips of something.
NYC by interpol
the sound of defeat. sitting back in an armchair with beer, and kirby. sitting, watching smoke waft up. sitting in a den of drink and smoke, drug and sex. but rarely getting any human touch. the kid beside me was a crazed lunatic. perhaps he just got drunk, cried about his past, and sobered up. now we sit, and share a moment of quiet. those rough nights were how we spent our time. take to the streets, roam around, aimless, but in our own world, and in that, things were beautiful. the streets, lights, people, things, all blended into one great cacophany. and this was our life.
sitting with vivek in the apartment, where we would just play music and talk from couches and he'd dance. we'd talk about parties and sometimes go. his friends would show and i'd get the hots for 'em. we'd smoke up and trade songs. he showed me the best song he ever wrote. and beer, with some laughter, and friendship. we had companions then, lauren and i, we kept each other company. those were the good days. in the middle of the drugs, with a person there in arms reach, to talk to, to kiss. to walk with. to drive with. just exclaiming the sun was beautiful today. these things we fell into as our lives fell apart and we were left with drink drug sex and each other.
and the nights we spent together, the days of longing for her, and the never asking, but always going out ot hang out, and getting heartbroken every time she'd leave without me, but rearing to put myself right back there the next day. the addiction of it. the bliss of it. those were the days.
pda by interpol
and then there were the parties, with her friend. sometimes with strangers. always strangers. smokes, beers. always there. even amongst the weirdos friends, i was the weirdo. this was my msuci. the days of arcade fire and susan. people whose names scape me. days at the dube, the smoking, coke, weed, drink. the music. ever flowing. artsty living in a drugged out haze. each day a marvelous risk. and never knowing what would come, but never with expectation. sometimes we'd long, and we'd never go too far, only what felt right. and when the bliss of it was gone, when i was willing to go through the pain of growth, they werent, and the things all broke apart.
and the shows we did, once at the... something. back in the day. we did the shsiah. with the kid vivek once met. he was a smiley kid, i nver was. but he had the charisma to talk us into anything. unless he was on something. in which case he got teary eyed and fighty. that got us kicked out of a place. the open mic guy still sits there today. i know he remembers because he had to throw the guy out. i think i called him on it, but then, maybe not. he's scum. but i remember that day, he was just on a drug, trying to play teh piano, and that guy took the piss on him. what an asshole. just what an asshole.
and alurens friend the comic enthusiast with the apartment and the drug problem. he came back from the war, and was doing coke. he'd sit us around his wooden table. i went out moodily and she came out too. we walked and talked, she told me she didnt love me, and that i probably didnt love her either. what a sadness that spurred. i just fell deep into it. and i dont think i came out for a long time. what a fucking girl to ask me to doubt myself. what are we if we cant trust our own feelings. but she was a drug fiend and i was a freak, a loner, and a druggie though i'd never admitit. writing my songs, and she fucking her way to glory.
and then vivek as he lay in the coffin with my friend acting like a jackass but there he was the guy i spent a year with who showed me the world who i loved as a brother who i actually ohesnt to god actually loevd but there he was dead with his farther teary eyed.
say hello to the angels by interpol
and then the shows id go to sometimes great othertimes just killers of the eardrums. but those were teh days we'd spend out there on the streets just doing whatever we felt we had to. whatever moved us. money tied to us by our parents, we had no worries but girls and trying to impress the next one with a song, would we ever be gerat, these were the thoughts on our mind. never confident, and always full of possibility. perhaps those things are part and parcel. but we'd go out, and there were so many girls, so many of them that wanted a piece of me, that i wanted a piece of. so many. that kid who i found lying on the ground shot up and passed out. and ihelped 'em back to the room, and what a prequel to vivek. telling me sotries abou thorses sold for drugs. i took it all in.
shirley, tora, joelle, so many people. the drive to her house. then the deal with amber. the times out at frambes. carla and the bolivia trip. so many things. the time out with kristen, who i spent so long with, perhaps longing for her, always howing up but never getting any. i guess thats a pattern. but i had her out and she was a twat. got rid of her. but yeah. those were the days. go out, long, go home, empty handed, and beg for another round of it the next day. i think they caught on, at least lauren, she told me. but i never admitted. always so haedstrong. but maybe she was right. i'd never admit it of course. too headstrong.
and the drunken party in the room where i got my cut. lifes been a party since 2003. and stopped being so in 06. but for what reason. have i grown enough to be able to live better than i did when i was younger. can my body take the abuse. and will i regret letting myself loose.
this is the sound of my highschool years wakling in the halls. hair kinda pulled under thep utka, clothes tight to the skin, and looking all around kinda paranoid and spazzed out. walking around from class to class but feeling super withdrawn, with the putka drawn tight against the skin of my head. just walking around the school and just keeping to myself.
its the sound of sitting in my apartment with like, not a whole hell of alot going on, whilst i was like sitting in frames, and perhaps with a beer, maybe a 24 pack, and just sitting listening to music, maybe staring into a computer screen, and maybe like, just complately bored. and there just wasnt a whole hell of alot going on at the time. but yeah. like there just didnt seem to be a whole hell of alot going for me back then. skinny, getting girls, but hating myself, and writing great music, but having it all be more or less consumed with dark feelings and thoughts. so i kept myself alone, as few people dared to brave the world i inhabited.
its like the sound of music playing in the dorm room over in Morrison tower in Ohio State whilst i was a Freshman, sitting by myself because those other kids moved away, couldnt stand me, so they said, and so i was alone, in my room, with my thoughts. I'd just cut my hair and my family was just not at all pleased, I was basically alone, and feeling terribly depressed. Like I wasn't in england, I had a shitty time @ school, and i beleived half of what i was told, and the other half i just threw away and had nothing left. just me alone in my room watching... donnie darko.
and then the walks around town and stuff while we tried to find a place to go to. jackets tight to the skin, szipped up, with the snow perhaps falling, cold night air, breathing out and watching fog, all in the pursuit of like alcohol. and girls. and just hating myself. its those sorts of thoughts that i remember back when i was younger than these songs seem to kinda bring me back to. walking around in scotland, enjoying it but feeling a ltitle out of place. noone really kinda got me there. and the air cold and the jacket close to my skin, rushing to get home with the beer in hand, looking forward to watching the television.
sitting by the window in harrison by myself watching the skyscrapers and stuff, it was the music of my life then, back when i thought i was just a piece of shit. i cant believe i did, but there were prolonged periods where i just thought i was a piece of shit. fter all why not. its what my aunts told me. i had no functional friends. from jacob, to allen, to kirby, to vivek, all these substance using and dependant folks, who had no futures and despair in their eyes, but vehemently defended their right to be so. walking around, romanticizing the lifestyle, hedonism in pursuit of artistic moments and people, but too shy to introduce yourself.
living alone in neil out in the city going out to bars and meeting people, biker chicks and all sorts getting attracted to me, my dark demeanor, and other things. they felt like hey, perhaps he's down and out, maybe i should toy with him. but they were afraid to get too close. instinct told them to back away. attracted to the bad boy, but then like... brushed aside. curiosity brought them to me, but by the end of the night they were history. i was after all in the grips of something.
NYC by interpol
the sound of defeat. sitting back in an armchair with beer, and kirby. sitting, watching smoke waft up. sitting in a den of drink and smoke, drug and sex. but rarely getting any human touch. the kid beside me was a crazed lunatic. perhaps he just got drunk, cried about his past, and sobered up. now we sit, and share a moment of quiet. those rough nights were how we spent our time. take to the streets, roam around, aimless, but in our own world, and in that, things were beautiful. the streets, lights, people, things, all blended into one great cacophany. and this was our life.
sitting with vivek in the apartment, where we would just play music and talk from couches and he'd dance. we'd talk about parties and sometimes go. his friends would show and i'd get the hots for 'em. we'd smoke up and trade songs. he showed me the best song he ever wrote. and beer, with some laughter, and friendship. we had companions then, lauren and i, we kept each other company. those were the good days. in the middle of the drugs, with a person there in arms reach, to talk to, to kiss. to walk with. to drive with. just exclaiming the sun was beautiful today. these things we fell into as our lives fell apart and we were left with drink drug sex and each other.
and the nights we spent together, the days of longing for her, and the never asking, but always going out ot hang out, and getting heartbroken every time she'd leave without me, but rearing to put myself right back there the next day. the addiction of it. the bliss of it. those were the days.
pda by interpol
and then there were the parties, with her friend. sometimes with strangers. always strangers. smokes, beers. always there. even amongst the weirdos friends, i was the weirdo. this was my msuci. the days of arcade fire and susan. people whose names scape me. days at the dube, the smoking, coke, weed, drink. the music. ever flowing. artsty living in a drugged out haze. each day a marvelous risk. and never knowing what would come, but never with expectation. sometimes we'd long, and we'd never go too far, only what felt right. and when the bliss of it was gone, when i was willing to go through the pain of growth, they werent, and the things all broke apart.
and the shows we did, once at the... something. back in the day. we did the shsiah. with the kid vivek once met. he was a smiley kid, i nver was. but he had the charisma to talk us into anything. unless he was on something. in which case he got teary eyed and fighty. that got us kicked out of a place. the open mic guy still sits there today. i know he remembers because he had to throw the guy out. i think i called him on it, but then, maybe not. he's scum. but i remember that day, he was just on a drug, trying to play teh piano, and that guy took the piss on him. what an asshole. just what an asshole.
and alurens friend the comic enthusiast with the apartment and the drug problem. he came back from the war, and was doing coke. he'd sit us around his wooden table. i went out moodily and she came out too. we walked and talked, she told me she didnt love me, and that i probably didnt love her either. what a sadness that spurred. i just fell deep into it. and i dont think i came out for a long time. what a fucking girl to ask me to doubt myself. what are we if we cant trust our own feelings. but she was a drug fiend and i was a freak, a loner, and a druggie though i'd never admitit. writing my songs, and she fucking her way to glory.
and then vivek as he lay in the coffin with my friend acting like a jackass but there he was the guy i spent a year with who showed me the world who i loved as a brother who i actually ohesnt to god actually loevd but there he was dead with his farther teary eyed.
say hello to the angels by interpol
and then the shows id go to sometimes great othertimes just killers of the eardrums. but those were teh days we'd spend out there on the streets just doing whatever we felt we had to. whatever moved us. money tied to us by our parents, we had no worries but girls and trying to impress the next one with a song, would we ever be gerat, these were the thoughts on our mind. never confident, and always full of possibility. perhaps those things are part and parcel. but we'd go out, and there were so many girls, so many of them that wanted a piece of me, that i wanted a piece of. so many. that kid who i found lying on the ground shot up and passed out. and ihelped 'em back to the room, and what a prequel to vivek. telling me sotries abou thorses sold for drugs. i took it all in.
shirley, tora, joelle, so many people. the drive to her house. then the deal with amber. the times out at frambes. carla and the bolivia trip. so many things. the time out with kristen, who i spent so long with, perhaps longing for her, always howing up but never getting any. i guess thats a pattern. but i had her out and she was a twat. got rid of her. but yeah. those were the days. go out, long, go home, empty handed, and beg for another round of it the next day. i think they caught on, at least lauren, she told me. but i never admitted. always so haedstrong. but maybe she was right. i'd never admit it of course. too headstrong.
and the drunken party in the room where i got my cut. lifes been a party since 2003. and stopped being so in 06. but for what reason. have i grown enough to be able to live better than i did when i was younger. can my body take the abuse. and will i regret letting myself loose.
in reaction to manuscript / memories post on radiohead:
so its like there's many ways to remember the past, but the best, certainly not narration form, but the senses. that which was sight, touch, taste, heard, smelled.
a touch:
the cold snow, the soft warm clothing bundled around.
a sight:
the faces, of many people. the buildings, of Ohio State's campus. the gatherings. the confrontations, of Eddie and the Hall head.
a taste:
the vomity taste of beer, nati ice to be precise. the taste of Udon in your mouth. or of a Mirror Lake sub. or Adriaticos Pizza.
a sound:
the bands, many of them, like Radiohead, Metric, and the hundreds of others discovered through Oink, the music played through my speakers in my dorm room, in Kirby's room, in the many car rides, my own music.
a smell:
the horrible smell of sewage from raw and exposed drains. or the terrible smell of vomit, putrid. the nice smell of flavored soaps. the smell of cleanliness, of an apartment kept clean by roommates who cared, and the smell of filth, the smell of an apartment kept dirty by me, who didn't care.
a touch:
the cold snow, the soft warm clothing bundled around.
a sight:
the faces, of many people. the buildings, of Ohio State's campus. the gatherings. the confrontations, of Eddie and the Hall head.
a taste:
the vomity taste of beer, nati ice to be precise. the taste of Udon in your mouth. or of a Mirror Lake sub. or Adriaticos Pizza.
a sound:
the bands, many of them, like Radiohead, Metric, and the hundreds of others discovered through Oink, the music played through my speakers in my dorm room, in Kirby's room, in the many car rides, my own music.
a smell:
the horrible smell of sewage from raw and exposed drains. or the terrible smell of vomit, putrid. the nice smell of flavored soaps. the smell of cleanliness, of an apartment kept clean by roommates who cared, and the smell of filth, the smell of an apartment kept dirty by me, who didn't care.
radiohead, freshman year at ohio state
i used to be a huge radiohead fan in my freshman year at the ohio state university in columbus ohio. the year two thousand and three the month was september and i was just moving into my dorm room named morrison tower on eleventh avenue on the ohio state university campus designated primarily for first years also known as freshman. i had two roommates, but over the course of the year, many left, and were replaced, and left. mark and rem were the first generation, and then as they both left i had a large football player. following him was a drug dealer named eddie and finally a thai gay former restaurant worker Oui. that rounded out my year. i myself was involved with drugs as im calling alcohol now, and many new faces and sounds. it was a year of discovery and destruction.
but much of my time was spent at my desk facing my computer screen listening to various bands one of them being Radiohead. i was recently turned onto torrenting and i had managed to pick up every album by the band and was just listening through years worth of work. these guys began their odyssey in the 90s and even earlier if you count the years before they were famous. so for me to pick them up in 2003 was to take a look after a great deal of work had been done. but i was hooked, and i listened quite a bit to their music.
but much of my time was spent at my desk facing my computer screen listening to various bands one of them being Radiohead. i was recently turned onto torrenting and i had managed to pick up every album by the band and was just listening through years worth of work. these guys began their odyssey in the 90s and even earlier if you count the years before they were famous. so for me to pick them up in 2003 was to take a look after a great deal of work had been done. but i was hooked, and i listened quite a bit to their music.
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